Look at my new Lisa Frank bag! Isn’t it Groovy?! It was given to me by the totally MOST Alexandra Sullivan – one of the official High Priestesses of Grooviness! She used it when she was a little girl herself but now she’s blossomed up and has chosen to tithe it to yours truly! I couldn’t be more excited! Looking at it, many things come to my mind: fun, far out parties, kittens, Princess Power! And when I use it in public, I can feel its transformative energies surround me and grant me the eyes of the ancient ones. Now I can see LOVE!
Lisa Frank is the true Queen of Color – and her Royal Spectrum loyally serves her plans for Art-World Domination! Watch as the Hot Pink Brigade delivers a swift kick of WOW to her boring detractors! Look out as Cool Blue digs up some Ken Nordine jazz beats to sunder the waxy prudes on Main Street. Show some respect for Sugar Yellow! Her era is in! This is the NOW Army! And when I carry my bag, I show where my politics lie.
And dig what I carry inside of this Far Out Bag:
WSG Issues #1 and #2! I carry these around for when the mood strikes to deliver the WORD! You can have the WORD too! Just go to http://www.warsemenandgrooviness.com/store.htm
My Knife! Whether I’m strolling through a minority neighborhood or White Trash U.S.A. – my Groovy knife colors any fool RED!
My Lisa Frank ‘Queen of Color’ Notebook! This is where I write my deepest thoughts and most high-flying dreams! Specifically, it’s the carrier of my upcoming novella ‘The Diary of Ginny Rae’ – a groovy love story about Demon Possession and Menstruation!
I used to work at Value Village in the Capitol Hill neighborhood of Seattle, WA – the three-story building was formerly used by REI (the world’s premiere outdoor gear store) up until the early 90’s and still stank of heavy creosote and adrenaline. This joint was a magnet for refuse – broken toasters, used underwear, Commodore computer systems and Sing A-Long With Mitch albums came and went through the front doors like familiar relatives. But once in a great while a real treasure would be dropped off – and I managed to get my hands on a few of them. One fond item that immediately comes to mind was this totally fab Mao Tse Tung cigarette lighter – it was bright red with a classic portrait of Chairman Mao in the center and when I would summon the flame, it would light up and play the National Anthem of the People’s Republic of China! Unfortunately, some foul commie stole it during a party at my apartment a few months later – I’m pretty sure I know who took it but now is not the time or the place for accusations.
Throughout my career as Cashier and Operations Assistant, I snagged a few more beautiful items; various Southern Baptist floral grandmother hats, a John Cage cassette, groovy threads and whatnot – but the Holy Grail of finds came one day as I was unloading the donation cart; a near immaculate piece of household taxidermy! It was a working lamp whose base was comprised of four beautiful deer legs, bound in the center by two golden metal bands. While the base of the lamp was in perfect condition, the light-bulb base itself was in need of some repair – fortunately, Value Village’s popular security guard and Vietnam Veteran, William Koerber was there to assist. During my lunch break, we both went to the basement and dismantled another lamp and attached its functional light-bulb base to my Deer Hoof Lamp. It was complete! That was about 4 years ago and I still have this wonderful item – but I have yet to find an adequate lampshade. While I have come across many decorative and useful shades since then, none have proved quite worthy enough to adorn this treasure. I need a Bambi Lampshade – nothing else will do. I implore anyone who is reading this to keep your eyes open! If you locate such a lampshade, please e-mail me at vince_verbatim@hotmail.com
Some people have expressed discomfort upon seeing my Deer Hoof Lamp. But I just laugh at them. While I’ve never been a hunter, I’ve always admired the art of death – the craftsmanship that goes into manipulating a carcass into a functional piece of household brilliance is a skill that belongs within the highest echelon of American ingenuity. Such a trade goes far beyond the mere realm of fur coats and mink scarves – by utilizing the remnants of these beasts in our daily lives, the deceased creature is actually paid a tribute – it lives on through us! As I stroke the smooth hair of my Deer Hoof Lamp, I can almost sense the former life of this majestic Cervidae as it leaped through forests and across highways, as it nibbled at indigenous berries and cautiously froze at the faint sound of a rifle cocking. Sometimes, I can even feel its soul - as soft as a warm light washing over the darkness of my room. I love it - and I know it loves me.
I discovered this groovy relic at a Goodwill Store in Centralia, WA – hidden in the bric-a-brac aisle amongst an underwhelming mess of chipped porcelain bovine butter-boats and cute-as-fuck figurines, this canary yellow 1970’s salt-shaker stood out like Christ on a hill. And further sweetening the deal – it was shaped like a Partridge Bird! While it certainly could not be considered official television merchandise, I immediately connected the find with the classic show, The Partridge Family – and although I do suspect that it may have been manufactured to capitalize on the show’s popularity, a cursory internet search turned up nothing on its origins. But who really cares? It’s one-of-a-kind! It’s a salt shaker! And it’s shaped like a Partridge! I doubt that I will ever use it properly though – years of collecting dust compounded with the questionable restrictions on the use of lead-based paint in the 1970’s makes me a bit nervous about manipulating it in conjunction with my edibles. I have however, put it to comical use on the world of YouTube through a series of video blogs which find me and Partridge Salt Shaker waxing philosophical about modern life and employing outta-sight musical numbers which PSS beak-syncs to!
Since I luckily acquired this object, life has gone on – I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve fucked and I’ve wondered – but those small moments out of the day when I spy The Partridge Salt Shaker out of the corner of my eye truly brings a soothing calm to my day. And therein lies its intrinsic value – Partridge Salt Shaker seasons my life with joy! I bet you wish you had one.
